2 Second Stories

I don't have any one topic on which to base an entire blog post, unless the topic is the kind of congolmeration thingy that I'm creating here which is the 2 Second Story. You know, those stories that seem like they'd be really good until you try to tell them and realize that they consist of one sentence of set-up, one escalation and no punchline? Yeah, those. I have a handful of those at the moment, so I'm going to tell you some of my best (worst?) 2 Second Stories.

• At the clothing swap, one of the best features is that you get instant feedback from your girlfriends on whether or not stuff is worth keeping. So I was trying on these shoes that looked awesome, but I really don't need another pair of black heels, especially not anything that would make me 6'3" but I'm a sucker for Oxford detailing and then a friend exclaimed "Holy crap! Those shoes are so great I just want to lick your leg!" So yeah, I kept them.



• I made a typically me-type statement of the obvious earlier today and I told my co-worker Joel to contain his surprise. He responded by saying something about "Shock and Awe" and I informed him that there was a dance move with that name, but I wouldn't be demonstrating it because I still had some semblance of pride left.



• Once, I arrived at a party for new friend with my old friend Andrea. Having just met this New Friend, we didn't know any of her friends, so upon walking into the living room of said party, I looked about, and with a wave said, "Hello room full of people I don't know!" Andrea sort of died a little on the inside because she would never call attention to herself in that way but I'm that kind of obnoxious.



• I'm not sure how I manage to hold completely contradictory thoughts in my head at the same time. I know it's called cognitive dissonance but it makes no sense that I consider myself both to be fairly likeable and make friends easily and to know that I am full of many off-putting and obnoxious habits.*



• I need to learn to control myself when I find things funny because I can't always explain particular inside jokes in the office place. There's got to be a way to keep from giggling when my boss asks me if the ringing from the other room is my cell phone, because, no, it's not. It's never my cell phone when people ask me if it's my cell phone. Just because one time I happen to let out a rumbler on a wooden bench and someone mistook it for a cell phone on vibrate... that one time has led to a new code phrase, and no, it's not my cellphone. I'm just gassy.



• I recently have been irritated by just about everything from the way my pants are touching my legs to the wheels on my chair not rolling in any sort of ideal fashion, but mostly I've been irritated by the fact that I don't want cable, but there are 2 shows out now that I really want to watch and can't get on Hulu. Grrrr. Argh.



• I am the trifecta of mosquito deliciousness (pasty, pudgy & redheaded) and yet I just learned last night that you can kill them by leaving a shallow dish of soapy water for them to drown in. Something about surface tension and I don't care--just stop biting me!!

Also, I am wearing goldfish on my feet today:

*I think the answer is to find people with similar or complimentary obnoxious habits. So far, so good!