Friday, April 22, 2011

Tales of Arachnid Woe, Part OMG

So, after my last brush with death via spider, I thought I was done with arachnid horror stories for at least a couple of months.  I was WRONG!

Like lots of stories that happen at our faire, this one starts with: Non merde, there I was...

backstage, having second breakfast.  Second breakfast is a very important part of my faire day.  Actual breakfast usually happens sometime around 6:30, so by the time the gate opens and it's time to face the general public, I've burned through whatever protein, carbs, sugar and caffeine I started my day with.  Traditionally, second breakfast is either a scone or sausage roll from The Bakery, or a hard boiled egg.  On this particular day, I opted for the egg.

So... there I was, egg in hand.  And just as a sort of extended side note, is there any general consensus on the proper way to boil an egg so that the results are a) easy to peel, 2) not tinged with green, and D) fully cooked through the middle?  I've heard and tried so many different variations with no consistent results.  I've put cold eggs in cold water and room temperature eggs in room temperature water.  I've brought them to a quick boil, a slow boil, an apathetically timed boil.  I've boiled them for few minutes and many minutes. I've rinsed them in cold water or left them to sit in their own hot water.  I've added salt or vinegar to the water. I've watched the pot and ignored the pot and told the pot sweet stories of the noble eggs that have gone before... anyway, it's a source of consternation that I cannot fathom the correct method to be able to reproduce results that are good.

But back to the breakfast in question, which was my second of the day.  So, with my hard boiled eggs, I like salt.  Usually just sort of sprinkled on the egg, however, those wise and colorful ladies with whom I most often share my second breakfast have improvised an innovative solution that allows me to justify potato chips for breakfast.  Yes, indeed--just use the salt on the chips instead of sprinkling it on the egg.  Brilliant!  On this day, I decided to rebel even further and skip the potato chips and go straight to the Sun Chips, a decision that I would soon regret with every fiber of my not-insubstantial being.

**whew** deep breath... even the retelling is stressful...

Ok, I'm ready to go on.


I grabbed the bag of Sun Chips out of the zipped-shut tote that all the shared baked goods are transported in.  This particular bag of chips had been opened last weekend and resealed inside the tote.  I reached into the bag and pulled out a handful of chips.  Not an overly generous handful, but more than 3.  I then noticed, out of the corner of my eye, something falling from my hand back into the still-open bag.  I thought, "Must be a chip-fragment. I'll retrieve it, since I already touched it, and I should eat all those chips."  Foolish me...

I looked into the bag...

and there it was!


nearly gave myself nightmares trying to Google the type of spider it was

A SPIDER THE SIZE OF MY THUMB*! This is not an exaggeration. If I were exaggerating, I would say that it was the size of my face, but I'm not saying that. The whole top knuckle of my thumb, the nail-holding portion of my thumb... that's how big this thing was!  I could see that it was hairy... and if it's big enough for me to see that there are hairs upon it's grotesque black body, then that is TOO BIG to be near me in any way shape or form.

AND IT WAS ON THE CHIPS THAT WERE GOING TO BE IN MY FACE!

So I dropped the bag, and the chips, and ran, screaming like a ninny** around the backstage area for at least a solid minute before I could gather myself together to describe the situation to my perplexed on-lookers.  Which I did, with more squealing and shrieking and flailing of arms in a dramatic fashion.

Then, I had to do the brave thing and carry the bag of chips, with the offending spider, out to a trash can a safe distance away from my other food sources.

I had to carry a bag of chips with a spider inside the horrendous distance of at least 45 feet... and I did it, for I am a brave and competent woman.

I then did a squealing ninny-like dance around and away from the trashcan...

but by this time, I was in full view of the paying public...

So I told them all my tale of woe.  I told them loudly, with much gesticulation.  I told every passer by and people up and down the lanes--anyone within 200 feet of the offending trashcan was warned.

And now I'm warning you: at approximately 10:20 on Saturday, April 16th I was violently and viciously almost attacked by a big, black, hairy, Sun-Chip eating spider whom I then transported to the trash can on the stage left side of the Brother's Stage at Scarborough Renaissance Festival.  This spider may or may not still be there, having creepy, crawly, spidery ways that I don't even want to think about.

There.  Now you know.





*1" long, 3/4" wide... for reference
**since I wasn't operating a motor vehicle, this seemed a safe and prudent thing to do

2 comments:

Brandon said...

Nice post! glad i found this blog!


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Patrick said...

I am glad that you escaped the hairy beast mostly unscathed!

Foul critter invading the sun chips!

He was lying in wait. Thats what it was. He was one of the foulest of foul, a ninja spider!!!

you are really lucky to be alive :P

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