Control freak

Few things expose my deep desire to control my life and circumstances like being pregnant. Or getting pregnant. Or pregnancy in general. So much is just not controllable. You take the steps, do your part, and even with charting & stuff, there's no guarantee that all the science will result in the miracle of life. Then, after peeing on stuff, you can't guarantee that things stay where they're supposed to. It should be comforting. You take care of you & the rest is out of your control.

It's not comforting. It's scary & if something does happen (which it does, way too often, to too many people I love), it's almost impossible to stop the "what-ifs." You blame yourself, even if you know, logically, that there's nothing you can do.

Then there's the end of the road. No woman has stayed pregnant forever. That's the first piece of "advice" they gave us in our Preparation for Childbirth class. It's true. The other truth is that you can't make labor happen. Well, modern medicine can. With a whole host of drugs to trick your body into doing what you want. But ye olde average lady, at home, waiting, can do nothing. Despite the advice & wisdom of every well-meaning old wives' tale, you just can't guarantee when labor will start. When the baby is good and ready, that's when.

I'm not in a rush. I have a long list of things I'd like to get done before this baby arrives. Like organize the pantry. And get a hair cut. But I see the doctor every week now. And every week she checks to see if there are any signs of impending labor. There were no signs with Eleanor. Even 2 days before labor started, no hints. And I have friends who wandered around dilated for WEEKS before their babies were born, so I understand that it's all kinda a crap shoot.

For me & my peace of mind, I'd like to see some signs of progress. Clover has turned his head towards the exit which is good news. I'm dreaming of a baby born on 11-12-13 but realistically expect to go all the way to 40w again. I don't mind. A Scorpio or Sagittarius is all the same to me. I'd like to be home with my new baby before Thanksgiving, but that's my only real rush.

It's just a time of waiting. We all know how good I am at that. He'll arrive when he's good and ready and not a moment sooner. I just hope he's kinder about his entrance than his sister. Bagels had me sort of outline my Barbie-Dream-World version of things, ranking the stuff that's most important to me, to help me keep perspective.

Obviously, healthy baby & healthy me are top on the list.

Next in line is going into labor. Since I had a c-section with Eleanor, all those wonderful drugs and tools of modern medicine are off the table. There will be no inducing labor. Either it happens, or at 41w we head to the OR to take this baby out like toast. So, I'd like to at least start laboring.

If I can check that off the list, next in line is completing labor. Birthing a baby. No surgery.

If we get that far, then I don't really care how. Epidural? Sure, if I need it. I'm not holding out for an all natural birth though I want to wait as long as possible so I can keep walking & moving (which I didn't get to do much with Eleanor).

If we don't get that far, I'd like to get as least as far as last time. Maybe even try pushing. And there is a part of me that is just rolling my eyes, because major surgery after long, exhausting, unproductive labor is exactly my least favorite option when it comes to birth plans. Still, peace of mind isn't always rational. Trying is very important to me, even if I try & fail.

Now, I'm not a glutton for punishment. I think I have a pretty reasonable response to pain and suffering. I try to avoid it when I can. I bite back bad words when I stub my toe. Paper cuts and hang nails turn me into a big whiny baby. Despite what my pharmacist father may think, wanting an unmedicated birth isn't, for me, about hating drugs or liking pain. It's just about seeing what my body can do & working to do as much as possible. Letting gravity help get this baby down and out is something I'm really looking forward to. If I could do that and still have epidural-level pain relief I'd take that option in a heartbeat.

Bottom line, end of the day, I just want to meet my baby. The rest is less important. Not trivial but not critical either. Walking the fine line between hoping for a VBAC & being mentally & emotionally prepared for a second c-section is hard. Hope & realism don't sit easily with me. I don't want to assume that I'll end up in surgery because I'm afraid of self-fulfilling prophecy stuff. I also don't want to be so focused on the how of the birth that I let those feelings rob me of joy if things don't go the way I want.

So I'm praying. That's the one part I can control--my attitude. Can't make my body or this baby do anything but I can turn my heart towards my Creator and put my trust in Him. He's got this all under control. He knows the plan. I just need to live it. Much easier said than done. Thankfully lots of other people are praying for me too. I think it's gonna take all the prayers we can get.