Chocolate Road Map

While Rocky Road is my favoritest of the ice cream flavors, and if someone came up with an ice cream called "Rocky Road to Dublin" that was regular, awesome Rocky Road with a swirl of Irish Cream flavored ice cream in it I would eat enough to swell up to elephantine proportions, this post has nothing to do with ice cream.  Except for that misleading intro that is.  The rest shall be reserved for discussion of the traditional box of chocolates.

Exhibit A: One box of Russell Stover Assorted Chocolates

This is a box of chocolates that appeared in my office 'round about Ash Wednesday.  People giving up chocolate for Lent?  I don't know, but I certainly intended to benefit from the anonymous generosity.   While See's candy will always be my favorite of this genre, specifically the Nuts & Chews (in case anyone in California wants to send me some...) I really appreciate Mr. Stover's attempt at giving me a guide to the box of chocolates, because even though what Forrest Gump said about life is mostly true, I would actually like to know what I'm biting into.  A box of chocolates, like life, is frought with dangers if you are like me and don't like all the foods.  While I don't consider myself a picky eater, I do have... preferences.  Strong ones.  I like my food in certain ways, and while I'm open to new things, I'm not necessarily open to trying the same old things that I didn't like last time just to see if my taste buds miraculously changed.  No, to discover that fact* I would have to be tricked, dared, or paid to eat the offending food and most of the time no one really cares enough about my not-necessarily-narrow food selections to go to that much trouble to broaden them.  No one was around to do so at the time this box of chocolates presented itself.  So, I was left to the careful picking and choosing of chocolates so as to avoid any unpleasant surprises.

So many wonderful options to choose from.  Maple Nut Butter?  That sounds lovely!  Molasses Chew?  Sign me up!  Vanilla cream, coconut cream... I'll take one of each!  I wouldn't know a Roman Nougat from their American or French brethren, so I think I'll pass on that one.  I was diligent.  I followed the guide.  I even had a sample chocolate to make sure the box didn't get somehow turned around... seriously, when it comes to designing the little nesting places of chocolates, an asymmetrical approach to layout would be appreciated to save me from having to do such quality-assurance type things.  So, there I was... carefully picking the tasty treats (butter cream caramel, chocolate truffle), and what did I wind up with instead?!?!

This!  This pink hideousness that is probably a strawberry cream or the afore mentioned Roman Nougat instead of my non-fruity cream of choice or the Molasses Chew I was so excited about.  Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww... Don't mess up my chocolate by putting funky fruit flavors in it!  I like chocolate with my chocolate.  Or butter, or sugar disguised as butter...

Blech!

Somehow all the things that I wanted to eat had been switched with these funky fruit imposters, and not a single tasty chocolate was to be had.  Thus ends my tale of woe.

The end.

*which I have evidence for that such a thing exists... convoluted sentence structure aside, in that my husband who hated guacamole now likes it after years of trying